You know how AGONIZING it is when you have a male friend who you’ve developed feelings for.
It’s not the feelings themselves that cause so much pain, it’s when they’re UNREQUITED that it really hurts. Of course, there are things you can do to try and move the friendship to the next level, but frankly, there is a very high chance of ending up with nothing more than a wounded ego and no more friendship.
If you find yourself tongue-tied when around men you really like, you may want to take a look at this.
It’s a difficult one. But there is a solution. It’s called, NOT GETTING STUCK AS A FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE!
Seriously. If you’ve got a guy friend you’re already hopelessly in love with, you are going to have to make a choice:
a) Either tell him, directly or through subtle innuendo, how you feel, and risk losing the friendship
b) Cut your losses now, and end the friendship yourself.
Truly, you will most likely NOT be able to continue being ‘friends’ on any normal and healthy level with someone you are in love with. What usually happens is that the woman in question becomes more and more miserable, more and more besotted, and more and more insecure.
Until finally she’s TOTALLY fixated on this one guy and loses out on all these other opportunities to meet great new men who actually do want her.
Think about it, what kind of a lesson are you teaching yourself when you “hang in there” in the hopes that this friend of yours will eventually wake up one morning and ‘realize’ that he’s madly in love with you?
You’re teaching yourself a subconscious lesson that MEN DON’T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE…
And that the way to make men find you attractive is to chase them around and get more and more bogged down in your own head and your own emotions.
Look: he’s not going to spontaneously REALIZE that he has feelings for you. Sorry, but that just doesn’t happen.
Well, allow me to correct myself (slightly.) I am willing to concede that SOMETIMES, and VERY RARELY, this has been known to happen, but realistically, the chances of this happening to you are almost nil. That’s something you’re just going to have to accept.
You either need to be straight-up with him about how you feel, or end the friendship and move on, thus freeing yourself up for better things. (Let’s face it: the friendship ACTUALLY ended when you realized you had feelings for him. You can’t be real friends with someone you’re in love with).
And in fact, you’ve actually got more of a chance of success with this guy happening if you remove yourself from his life for awhile (especially when the alternative is you hanging around, being super-available all the time and hoping that something happens).
Let him miss you. See what happens.
In this situation, making yourself less available, more mysterious, and more independent is exactly what you need to do. Familiarity does not breed lust or love with someone who thinks of you as a friend, but a little distance and a little ‘missing you’ just might. (Once again: that’s MIGHT.)
But in all honesty, the best cure for this horrible situation is prevention.
And that means that you have to prevent yourself from slipping into a platonic friendship with a man you consider potential boyfriend material (or even husband material) right from the get go.
Let’s talk about some ways for you to do that:
First of all: you need to focus on creating chemistry.
It’s very important that he sees you as a feminine, attractive being from the VERY BEGINNING. This doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect or beautiful, it just means that, since you never know when you’re going to meet someone you feel that spark with, it’s important that you are prepared for flirtation and attraction at all times.
Let’s be honest for a moment? Men tend to form their impressions of a woman very quickly. It doesn’t take long for them to ‘categorize’ a new acquaintance as, ‘possible lover’ or ‘just a friend’, so you need to be ready to take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself.
Here’s an example of why this is important:
My friend (we’ll call her Dana, to protect her privacy) was at another friend’s place, at Stephanie’s.
They had a ‘girl’s night in’ planned, so Dana had deliberately dressed right down. She was wearing loose, sloppy trackpants, Uggs boots, no makeup and her hair wasn’t freshly washed.
Basically, she was prepared for a night of eating comfort-food and lying on the couch with Stephanie, dishing the dirt and just chilling out. But about half an hour into the evening, Stephanie got a knock on the door and when she got up to answer it, it was her brother and about 3 of his friends.
One of whom, coincidentally, happened to be just Dana’s type, smart, professional, witty, interesting and cute to boot. Even more coincidentally, Dana was single and looking. But did she take advantage of this unexpected gift dropping right into her lap?
No, she did not. She was so intimidated by how frumpy she was feeling that she just sat quietly on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest, and hardly said a word. Not one inkling of her normal sparkling, witty personality came through. As she said later, she felt “at a horrible, underdressed, unattractive disadvantage.”
HERE’S THE LESSON IN WHAT HAPPENED TO DANA:
Because she was feeling frumpy, she TOTALLY shot herself in the foot and lost an opportunity to make a connection with a real live attractive man right in front of her! Who knows what could have happened if she’d been feeling confident and attractive and had participated fully in the conversation?
The message here is that your confidence levels are key. If you are looking frumpy, chances are you’re feeling frumpy and most likely, guys will be able to sense that you’re feeling that way, and will not be attracted.
It’s not that you need to look beautiful or glamorous. You just need to feel comfortable enough with your own self and the message you’re sending out there to be able to jump at the opportunity when one presents itself.
The world is ripe with unexpected possibilities for meeting people. It pays to take care of yourself at ALL TIMES: not only will you LOOK better (which, frankly, never hurts), but more importantly, you will be much more able to be your attractive, confident and unique self and have fun in the moment without feeling self-conscious and inhibited.
Tip #2: When you talk to him, don’t just talk. FLIRT.
Don’t be prone to ‘magical thinking’ and just expect something to miraculously ‘happen’ when you meet a man you find attractive.
You might be surprised at how many women do this: they find someone who could be relationship material, and decide that if it’s ‘meant to be’, then it will ‘just happen’ and as a result, they make very little effort to help matters along, and of course, NOTHING ENDS UP HAPPENING.
Here’s a little tip for you: you are much more likely to enjoy success with the men of your choosing when you create an atmosphere of FLIRTATION and CHEMISTRY.
This doesn’t mean that you have to re-invent yourself as a giggling, simpering minx. Good flirting isn’t about screaming sexuality, it’s about hinting at it. But more than anything else, it’s about making the guy feel great about himself.
If you are interested in learning how to be the kind of mature, attractive, interesting flirt who knocks their socks off, you should check this out!
I’ll give you a few quick pointers so you always get off on the right foot:
Good flirting is about creating the space for romance to happen. If you want to flirt with a guy, you should bear in mind that it’s all about giving him positive feedback. If you want him to seek you out again and again, you want to let him know that you enjoy his company.
So: smile. A LOT. Laugh at his jokes. Make plenty of eye contact and introduce TOUCH. This one’s a biggie, as it really emphasizes your femininity and portrays you in a more physical framework. (Use sparingly, though, because it’s powerful!)