– Contributed by – Mirabelle Summers, author of the ebook, “Get a Great Guy Guide.”
You must know that it’s pretty difficult to judge what a guy’s thinking from the way he’s acting.
Just about every woman I know, client or friend, has griped at some point about “guy talk” and how men frequently seem to actively mask their true intent with bizarre and misleading actions and behaviors.
Some of the most common complaints that I hear:
– They try to flirt with you by using toilet humor and making themselves the butt of jokes (hardly the stuff of romance novels!).
– They assure a woman that they’re interested in a committed and loving relationship and then disappear the next morning.
– They act aloof and disinterested around a woman they like when in fact, they’re just intimidated by her beauty, charm or intelligence.
There are so many different ways that men inadvertently confuse us women and it’s not just confusion that’s the issue here. In fact, some men can act in ways that actually turn women off.
After all, who’s actually attracted to a modern-day Don Juan, a self-deprecating bad flirt, or an ‘I’m-above-it-all’ King of Cool?
The saddest part? Most of these guys aren’t even doing it on purpose. Usually, these behaviors are being used as an ego shield, something to hide their real personality and insecurities behind.
But does the average woman have any clue that this is what he’s up to? Of course not!
She just gets confused, disgruntled, and ultimately discouraged by his apparent lack of interest, lack of subtlety or cavalier approach to sexual love.
So how do you get a guy to drop the act and just be his real self? How do you get him to ditch the facade and get authentic about who he really
is and what he really wants?
How are you supposed to figure him out, if he can’t even be straight up about the most basic things?
Fortunately, the power is in your hands. By including just a few tried-and-true methods in your bag of social tricks, you can set him at ease and get him to relax enough to reveal his truth. By ‘his truth’, I mean his sense of authenticity, his real personality, who he really is, and what he really wants.
Incidentally, being your authentic self is an incredibly attractive characteristic to possess. But it’s not easy, most of us have been brought up to act and behave in a certain way. We’ve been taught to mask parts of ourselves that others might find unattractive.
When you’re able to be your true, honest self, and embrace clarity in your personality and life, everything literally just seems to fall into place. Life becomes much easier and you’ll finally start attracting the kind of men who are prepared to love the real you.
Let’s take a look at the 3 main problem-male personas that women who are active on the dating scene face:
1. The Player.
This is the guy who prides himself on his ability to insinuate himself into the pants of just about any woman he chooses.
He thinks that because he knows how to manipulate a woman into liking him, through using certain behaviors and patterns of speech, then he’s “successful” with women and with life in general. After all, he’s living every guy’s most primal dream: he can sleep with a different gorgeous woman every night of the week if he feels like it (at least, this is what he tells his friends).
You might hear this guy being referred to by his mates as a “pick-up artist”. He might have a “wing-man”, who will frequently introduce his player friend in a rehearsed manner that promotes the player’s “high value” as a man.
For example, “Hey, this is my friend Brad. He dated Miss November. Nice!” Or, “Check out this picture of Ashley’s last girlfriend – how hot is that?”.
If the player is skilled, these little “routines” will be done in a way that skilfully, deliberately piques your curiosity. The average woman isn’t expecting a man to have the nous to manipulate her so subtly so she falls for the bait, every time.
The point of these ‘player strategies’ is to make you think that he’s not affected by your own particular brand of beauty or charm, that you’re nothing special, and that, in fact, you’ll be lucky to get him.
Through their literature, these PUA’s have told him that, in order to get past your “bitch-shield” that you naturally possess as an attractive woman, he has to demonstrate to you that you are nothing special to him.
Because you’re used to being pursued by desperate, supplicating men, this lack of interest will intrigue you, and you’ll begin to wonder why he’s not chasing after you.
Before you know it, you’ll actually be chasing him, all because he didn’t demonstrate any interest in you at first, and made it clear that plenty of other women are interested in him.
He’s manipulated you. Another success for the PUA’s. But not if you’re smart!
You can cut through all this crap by not playing along with his silly games. After all, you’re not interested in dating a player, that is, a man who’s interested in you for the challenge you present to him, not the woman that you are.
You’re interested in dating a real man, someone who’s prepared to prove to you that he’s interesting and worthy of your interest, but who is also self-confident enough to require that you be interesting to him.
If you know a player, and you think he could be worth the effort, as in, he’s not just some chump who knows how to seduce females, but a genuinely
intelligent, creative man who’s just headed in the wrong direction romantically, here’s what you can do:
GIVE HIM ONE CHANCE, AND ONE CHANCE ONLY.
The moment a guy starts behaving in ways that you feel might be a trick to “get” you to feel or act a certain way, for example, he might use the “Photo Routine”, which is where he shows you a stack of ‘holiday pics’ interspersed with photos of himself posing with other beautiful women
Or he might try to ‘neg’ you, which is where he recognizes that you are probably ‘higher value’ than him, and attempts to equalize your social status by subtly putting you down verbally (for example, telling you that you’ve got something in your ear when you don’t).
Remember that the aim of his “player” behavior is to prove to you that he is the ‘catch’ here, more than you. He wants to manipulate you into thinking that he’s actually doing you a favor by allowing you the opportunity to become interested in him.
Why is he trying to manipulate you like this? To make it easier for him to hook up with you, of course. He thinks that if YOU think he’s a real ‘catch’, you’re not going to shoot him down. End of story.
He doesn’t know that he doesn’t need to act like this to get your attention.
If you keep cool and don’t play into his games by becoming flustered, emotionally wrought, or jealous, then you keep the upper hand, you intrigue him, and you win.
2. The Inappropriate Humorist.
This is the guy whose primary mission is to make you like him by making you laugh.
This is an admirable goal, and he’s got one thing right, laughter is definitely the key to a woman’s heart. If he can make you laugh, he’s usually worth hanging out with. Kudos to him for figuring this out.
However, this particular humorist is making one huge mistake: he doesn’t understand that to get the girl, you need to couple humor with respect.
When you’re dealing with a guy who laughs at himself, invites you to laugh along at him and uses inappropriate humor like scatology (toilet humor) to get you giggling, he’s got a self-esteem issue.
Guys who make this mistake are usually just really, really nervous. They want to impress you, they want to make you laugh and they want you to like them. Their nerves make them choose the ‘easiest’ route to this goal, clowning around.
What you need to do in order to allow his true self to shine through is to build up his self-esteem where you are concerned. You need to make it clear that he’s a likable guy without the use of inappropriate humor.
The best way to do this is to not call direct attention to his lack of humorous finesse (which would just make him more nervous) but to use a simple and highly effective technique known as “positive reinforcement training.”
Ironically, this is a strategy that’s actually been developed by animal trainers. I’m not implying that men are like animals, but this ‘training’ method works.
The concept is centered around rewarding the behavior that you like, with the validation he’s searching for like a giggle or a smile and ignoring the behavior that you don’t like.
So, when he cracks a dumb joke, or tries to make you laugh at something that is not funny, don’t force a laugh. Don’t frown. Don’t ask him why he thinks that’s funny. Simply do not react.
This is actually the most effective thing you can do. To this kind of guy, no attention is much worse than negative attention. So by ignoring his unfunny or inappropriate jokes, you’re sending a clear message that that kind of behavior is unwanted and won’t help him get to know you better.
When you contrast the coldness of your withdrawal of attention with the pleasure he gets from your laughter reaction when he does do something worthy of a positive reaction, he’ll catch on very quickly.
Sometimes, it’s hard to tell whether a guy genuinely isn’t interested or whether he’s simply shy!
If you feel like there’s a spark there, but you just can’t seem to break past those boundaries, you need to suss out whether it’s true indifference or just shyness that’s raising the barriers.
The best way to do this is to get the bit between your teeth, and strike up a conversation with him. Making this effort yourself, instead of waiting and hoping for him to do it, makes all the difference when it comes to figuring out what’s behind his coolness.
If he’s just shy, you’ll need to give him a few moments to warm up. Have a couple of questions prepared beforehand in case he’s a ‘listener’ rather than a ‘talker’ and make sure they’re open-ended questions (ones that can’t be answered with a straight yes/no).
Once you’ve asked him 3 questions or so, you’re engaged in an official conversation which is a prime opportunity for him to relax and see that his shyness isn’t scaring you off, after all. If he’s not loosening up and his demeanor’s not changing? Then that means one thing: simply that he’s not interested.
If he’s a nice person, he’ll still go along with the conversation but don’t be fooled into thinking that ‘politeness’ equals ‘attraction’. All the conversation in the world won’t make a bit of difference if that spark’s missing and trust me, you can tell when it’s there and when it’s not.
To learn how to cut to the chase and take the game-playing out of dating, you must take the time to look over How to Be Irresistible to Men!
If in doubt, simply remember this basic fact: if he’s attracted to you, you’ll feel it!